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Do I ever want children?

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Monday, February 12th, 2007
11:20 pm - I'm a new member

shaktitigrrr
I will come back at a better time tomorrow ( I need to go to sleep!) and post my bio and all that. But I just wanted to put it out there to the community that sometimes I feel like I emphatically do NOT want to have children with my partner. His daughter lives with his ex wife downtown. He sees her usually one day a week on the weekends, sometimes on both days, anywhere from 1 to 12 hours. His marriage was a terrible fiasco. He has a lot of issues comfortably relating to his daughter. I look at it all and just think-- You made such terrible decisions! Sometimes I feel (although I know he loves her truly) that he is not a good parent at all. And that even though I would consider having children that I do not want to have children with him and connect myself even more to his "other" life, the ex-wife and all that. Also I start thinking that if I got pregnant and we were going through having a kid I would be mentally plagued by their whole insane drama (unplanned and high risk pregnancy they went through, marriage, with after only knowing each other a few months). I would be maddened thinking that it reminded him of the first time he had a child and thus his ex. Or that it wouldnt be as important. Worse of all I would be comparing it in my head. The thought of been plagued by the thoughts is enough to make me never ever want to have children with him. I know its convoluted, but has anyone ever had this experience or these thoughts? And even if you haven't, do you have any thoughts? I obviously have jealousy/ anger issues that I know.....

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Friday, May 26th, 2006
11:03 pm - hi!

queenlyzard
I came across this community by accident and found it intriguing. Hope you don't mind me posting here.


I'm pretty well in the camp of not wanting kids-- at least, not my biological own kids, though I'm strongly considering becoming a foster-mom or something similar... but I'm surprised to note that almost everyone who's posted here seems to be pretty strongly in favor of children.

Did I misunderstand the purpose of this community? Is it for mothers who aren't sure how they feel about being mothers, or for women who are honestly trying to decide whether or not to have babies? Do you count someone who wants to adopt or foster a child as a "yes" or "no" for children?


It also seems like most women, like me, object more to the idea of pregnancy and birth (let's face it-- it may be a "miracle" but it sure doesn't sound comfortable!) than to raising a child. Another big objection is financial, and that's a good thing to consider. But the real question is whether you (and your partner, if he/she is involved) can make the emotional commitment to raising a child-- kids need patience, attention, and require you to learn a *lot* of stuff-- medical care, nutrition, and education of a child is all very different from taking care of an adult.

I guess my point here is-- as much as you wonder what's right for you, you also have to wonder what's right for your prospective child. I'm not trying to say you shouldn't have kids-- just be aware that you're bringing them into a demanding, busy, over-crowded, and not very healthy world, and that you will have to be the one looking out for their best interests. If that isn't a commitment you feel up to making, you're not doing your possible child a favor by giving into the "mommy craving" that we all get from time to time. Get a puppy to cuddle instead.


I didn't really mean this to turn into such a cautionary post. I've been studying some sociology lately, and I'm just appalled by the statistics of how often children are abused, abandoned, or even mistreated by people with the best intentions. So-- while I agree that every woman is unique and should make her own decision, I make a general case against bearing children on two counts:

1) If you are at all unsure about whether you would be a good mom, don't be one. Be honest with yourself-- not everyone has it in them, and there's nothing wrong with you if your talents lie elsewhere. It's the 21st century, and a woman has many fulfilling life options beyond "wife and mother".

2) Think long and hard about how important it is to have your own DNA involved. If you are good mother material, there are hundreds of babies born every day who desperately need someone like you. I get very upset sometimes at pro-lifers (yes, I'm pro-choice) who scream about killing something smaller than a tadpole when there are so many real live children starving to death every day. If you want to care for a child, there are a lot of them out there to care for. Does you really need to grow your own?


Again, I'm not trying to come down on anyone who does want kids... I'm just really urging women to make a decision that's informed by more than cultural brainwashing. Don't worry-- the human race isn't in any danger of dying out if you don't contribute. And if you do want a kid, make sure you know why, and aren't just doing it because you feel peer-pressure from your friends/family/husand/church.

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Friday, April 7th, 2006
2:23 pm - hiya....

patagucci_thong
I'm new here... *waves*

I'm glad this community exists, but just wish more people would join! lol It's always nice to have a ton of opinions on the matter. ;)

I just turned 32 and, up until this point, either have vehemently rejected the idea of having kids (the world is pretty overpopulated), or have thought that if hubby and I ever did have any, we would be adopting them as they sure as hell weren't coming out of this body! lol I have no earthly idea why, but over the last week or so I've been going through yet another paradigm shift, and have started wondering if maybe I would be alright with the idea of birthing our possible children? Funny....I don't know how shunning commercial shampoos and considering using an IUD instead of hormonal birth control lead to all this, but...

Anyway, I mentioned my childbirthing thoughts to my husband (we've been married almost a year and a half) and he was stunned enough to forget what he had been talking about previously. lmao Glad to see I have that effect...dra

It's certainly not something to be rushed into, so we'll take our time thinking about it. I would rather take at least a year to flush all the BCP hormones out of my body anyway. We go to see the "Women's Wellness" nurse soon, where I'll be asking about an IUD.

Certainly a lot to ponder. On one hand, I've been in the Army for years now and like to think of myself as at least a little "hardcore"! ;) And getting knocked up is not exactly the type of thing hardcore types go around doing... And I know that there are a lot of women who take great pride in being Homemakers, and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. BUT....for me? The thought of being "just" a housewife brings me to my knees. As in "distresses me to the point where I feel nauseous". I would feel like I was losing my identity... Especially in the line of work I'm in....to quote a phrase "You are the job"....or pretty close to it. However, I've also been considering breaking out and trying a career change.....one that would allow me to have more of a life, and wouldn't take me away from home, force me to work restrictive hours or shiftwork, or even possibly one where I could work from our home. Hmm...maybe this shift in my thinking has been going on a little longer than a week. ;) But maybe working from home would "mesh" with having children? *ponders* This would require additional schooling though, and then there's the issue of $$$! Student loans are a bitch... I'm still paying one off from years ago. Then again, if only affluent people with no outstanding debts had kids, the world would likely be way less populated. lol Hubby also wants to leave the Army and start his own business up. There's always small business grants though, if you're lucky enough to get one.

Other issues that worry me are: lack of spontenaity (my sister took at least HALF A DAY to get it together enough to "spontaneously" leave the house when my niece was a babe!), I like maintaining a high fitness level and that takes *time*, worrying that I'll be left to do ALL of the domestic stuff by myself (I need to have a complete meltdown for hubby to offer to help around here to begin with), and some other things, I'm sure, that don't come to mind at the moment. *sigh*

So, yeah, I'm definitely wondering how will I know? A lot of thinking going on over the last couple of days....that's for sure.

Anyhoo, thanks for letting me vent.

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, June 2nd, 2004
1:11 pm

stargazerlily44
I never thought I wanted kids. I always liked kids, but most of the appeal was giving them back to their parents at the end of the day. When I found out I was pregnant last year I was devastated. I had just moved in with my now fiance, I was going back to school, and had a wonderful career. I cried and agonized over the situation for days. I couldn't get an abortion b/c I don't believe in it as a form of birth control, especially since we could afford a baby, and had room for one, and all that other "practical" stuff. Even throughout my pregnancy I wondered if I had made the right choice. I'm only 23, I'm supposed to be starting my own life, not someone else's, right? Then I saw him, all pink with tons of hair and my nose, and instantly I knew I made the right decision. Even now I kinda get down in the dumps when I think about the fact that I'm just a suburban housewife/mommy instead of the career woman I used to be, but then Harrison smiles at me or lights up when he sees me and it's all worth it again.
Good luck to all of you trying to make the choice between being a mommy or being someone else. Whatever you decide is the right thing for you. You may always wonder "what if", but if you go with your heart it will never be the wrong choice.

current mood: nostalgic

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Friday, May 14th, 2004
9:57 pm

staygoldpnyboy
I'm going to be responsible for another human life. I mean, I know I'm responsible for mine, but look how good that turned out. I guess that's what is making me nervous, how can I be sure this little person will turn out ok, make the right choices, not be hurt or murdered or kidnapped or raped or made fun of or anything like that?

sigh. i wish i could just enjoy the baby while its a baby, and go from there, although that makes me nervous, because I don't have a support system. I'll end this before I cry and try to take it day by day.



this would be why I'm so.......... nervous about this

Well, Travis is gone, so I'll be alone the whole day, which always my idea of fun..........

I want this baby to grow! I want to feel pregnant. Not that I want to be puking or anything, but I want to feel it move so I can feel pregnant. Then I won't be so nervous.

I am so damn sick of my friends thinking that SMOKING POT WITH ME OR AROUND ME IS OK! It is not ok you fucking morons, I AM PREGNANT!!!!! I may have done it before, but not now dipshits. Stop thinking about yourselves for two fucking seconds to realize that your pregnant friend is with you.

I can't tell you how much that pissed me off. Tuesday my friend is in the car, and she says "Let me know if you want to smoke up" HELLO. HELLO!!! Anyone in there??? Do I want to get my baby high!!??! NO. Oh, btw, I think she lied to me and had it in MY CAR, b/c when her boyfriend asked her if she wanted to get high, she went looking for her purse. Stupid bitch. That would be my ass in trouble if we got caught.


Then, I'm at my friends house yesterday, he takes out his bowl and weed, and starts cleaning and packing. He puts it up to his lips when I say "Are you going to smoke that in here?" (granted its his house, but come on) And he looks at me like I'm out of line, and says "It's not like I was going to blow it in your face."

Two "friends" I know I can't be around much, if at all, that won't be able to see the baby because I'm sure they'll be high and I don't need that!

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Thursday, May 13th, 2004
9:56 pm

priya_occupied
i liked the pro/con list socuteandfluffy put in her entry. here are mine:

pros:
• the softness of a newborn's skin
• the feeling of getting and receiving unconditional love
• teaching them to walk, talk, read, ride a bike, tie shoes, etc.
• someone who is both me and my husband combined
• holding a child just feels right

cons/fears:
• the general fear of delivery (especially an episiotomy. this idea scares the bejeezus outta me!)
• no more uninterrupted sleep (though our cat has pretty much stopped us from doing this)
• can't make plans on the spur of the moment
• cost of baby food, clothing, toys, blankets, diapers, etc.
• the cost of child care
• how will we afford to do home improvements? if we can afford them, how will we do them with a small child to keep an eye on?
• will it effect how our friends see us? we won't probably be hosting many late night video game/movie sessions once a baby comes. and how will pregnancy effect things? all of our friends are male. will they be nervous around me?

for the moment, my husband and i are thinking we should wait 2 or 3 more years. by then, we should have the car and college loans paid off and at least have a good start on, if not be finished with, remodeling the basement. that would make me 23/24 when we started trying. thats not bad. actually is quite young still. but while i seem to be set on it right now, i know that in the near future, be it a few weeks or maybe a month or two from now, i will be obsessed with wanting a baby again. its a vicious cycle.

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6:51 pm - New

mommy2connor
I found this community through dangerous_gift

I have a million and one questions about when to have a kid. I know there is no doubt that I want a kid, well actually at least 3, but when?

I'm 24, will be married 1 year on June 7 this year.

I actually think we are going to start trying next month.

I'm also a pediatric nurse (RN), I have been for 3 years. I do know a lot of technical stuff, but of course I do not know everything. Especially about motherhood, and all the little details.

I ask a ton of questions. Especially about breastfeeding, sleeping, day care, money....everything that goes along with it.

So that's me.
Feel free to ask away. :) (as I will do the same)

current mood: lazy

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3:42 pm - answers?

dangerous_gift
http://www.livejournal.com/community/do_i_want_kids/534.html?view=2838#t2838

for some answers: ) just in case you didn't catch them already.

current mood: content

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4:29 pm - me me me

socuteandfluffy
This August. My birthday. The big 25. I'm the youngest of my social group so I get scoffed at when I mention being wary of my 25th birthday. I know it isn't old... but it means within the next 5 years I have a big decision to make. Hence, this community.

My parents were in their late thirties when they had me, and that's fine and dandy but I'd prefer not being in retirement when my kid is graduating high school if you know what I mean.

I just can't imagine my mind being completely made up at any point, much less in the next 5 years.

Pros:

- I love my soon-to-be husband so much and I know that children are the greatest gift to a marriage. I want to share all I can with him. /mushiness
- He is already a phenomenal father and although he hasn't come right out and said it, I know he wants another child.
- They seem so soft and cuddly sometimes. And I can teach them things and bring them places.

Cons:

- Loss of all freedom. I'm a housewife now so it's not like I'm not home all day already... but I'm also a volunteer firefighter, which I'm sure I would have to give up. And I like being able to just leave the house if I want to leave. The thought of strollers and diaper bags and car seats just knot up my stomach.
- Money. Of course money is always an issue.
- The baby stuff, you know, screaming and dirty diapers.
- Me. What if I don't like being a mom? ;_; What a horrible thought... but it nags at me.

*sighs*

current mood: scared

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Wednesday, May 12th, 2004
10:07 pm

priya_occupied
first of all: i am excited to find this community. i have been going crazy lately with this issue. i have been sort of watching communities from both sides of the issue. everything from teen mothers to abortion (i noticed the interests for this community say pro-life. i am strongly pro-choice). and that doesn't help, because they all have their minds made up (or have had it made for them) and still leaves me confused.

a little background: i am 21, and have been married for just over a year. we both have full time, good paying jobs, nice cars, and have had our own house for about 9 months now. and relatives/co-workers keep asking me when we are going to have children. the first thing my hubby's aunt said to us after we got married was "now we want babies!" i feel this huge pressure from society to have a baby. and me having a baby would be fun for them. they just get to see it dressed up and paraded around. play with it and pass it back when it gets cranky or smelly. they don't have to miss sleep and stretch budgets. to worry about whether it will be worth going back to work if half my paycheck goes to a day care.

don't get me wrong. to be honest, part of me really wants one. toddlers seem to be drawn to me for some reason. the first time i met the neighbor's 18 month old son, he ran up to me with arms held up for me to pick him up. and that just struck something in me. it felt right, you know? but then i think about our car and college loans. about home improvement stuff we want to do. and i think babies are out of the question.

its this constant back and forth that has me going crazy. i worry too much, i know that. there are people who have no job and no house who have children. and thats fine, they do what they can and make it work and i admire that. but i want something more. i want to wait until the finances are taken care of.

when i ask my mom about it, she also says "you'll know when its time" what does that mean? when the test comes out positive? thats not an answer. and you can't ever ask someone if they wish they would have waited to have kids, because they will all say no because they love their child so much. you say "well lets assume its the same child, just later in life" and they say "well it wouldn't be the same child." rrrr....

this turned out to be a long post. needed to vent though. hope this community stays active.

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1:33 pm - a mom to answer

dangerous_gift
hi my name is Ashley. i am a proud mother to one baby girl named sydney. i have been through the struggles of being a teen mother also a single mother. i was in a very abusive relationship with sydney's father.since our last fall out i have moved back home to live with my family. although my mom helps with the bills i am the only one taking care of sydney night and day. I'm also a stay at home mother. i work occasionally for my mothers insurance company from my home computer. I'm trying to get back into school to become a paralegal.
Through all my struggles of parenting and relationships i still love my daughter with all my heart. i'm so glad i choose to give her life.
Feel free to ask any questions you have.very personal if you want. i'll talk about anything.

current mood: curious

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2:49 pm - first post... don't think i'm crazy...

socuteandfluffy
Hi everyone. *waves* This would be the first community post. I scoured LJ all afternoon searching for a community where I could vent on this matter, and when I couldn't find one, I took matters into my own hands.

Welcome to do_i_want_kids, the community.

I need a community such as this one for this reason:

I don't know what comes over me sometimes. The simplest little thing trips my emotions and suddenly I'm in overload crying into my onion dip. For heavens sake, it can NOT be normal to be this worried about ever having children. Maybe everyone worries some or frets a bit or is unsure at times but I AM THE ONLY ONE DRIVING MYSELF INSANE.

Somedays I seem okay with the idea. Yes it does sound a little scary but I think, sure I'd like to have kids. And other days I think that having a child is the very LAST thing I ever want.

Let me backtrack. I'm 25 years old and engaged to my soul mate, who already has three children. (whom we rarely see due to their mother... don't get me started on that one.) He wants kids, I can tell. He thinks baby shoes are cute and points them out at the store. Which only adds to my stress. We've talked this through and through but his answer is always this, "You'll know when it's time."

Bullshit.

That's not good. My main fear (besides the pregnancy and actual childbirth itself, of course) is the fact that if I make the wrong decision, I can't very well change my mind later on. So what if I have a kid and I just don't want him anymore? ;_; What if it comes between us..? I am incredibly selfish and don't appreciate sharing my fiance's attention with anyone.

I feel so sick.

current mood: confused

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